Musings

The review of the ending of my 21 year relationship.

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 23:57:30 GMT

Found this on my PDA, think I wrote it while sitting on a train to somewhere and needed to talk, but had no-one to talk to.
Think it is worth sharing:

29th May 2005:
Alone?
0400 29th May; we talk, he says "separate beds", relief,resolution. A fine birthday present for him, the ending of a 21 year long story.
12 hours later, I call, "feed the dogs please ... Bye lover" opps! Can I? should I? still use such words?
Tears, heartache, uncertainty ... The future is unknown, the path is clouded, I do not know what I want anymore, should I run away, to make it easier, a clean slated break?

"First Day back at work"
Who to tell, how to tell them; "hi, how's your day? ... Oh fine, ended an era of my existence, I am single again ..."

"One week later"
Out alone, strange state, he is home alone, first time, is he okay, is he thinking about me?

12th August:
Out on the town. Rendevous with B&G. Happy to be free, enjoying being single , but sad for the lack of someone to share the simple things with, the daily physical contact, the kiss hello, goodbye.
Not lonely but alone on a level, a void that friends,even best friends cannot fill.
Knowing what has been lost, makes it harder & easier not to rush after it again.
Time to separate the old from the new, like a mourning period. Not searching for a replacement, not yet, but not closing any doors either.

It now seems like a lifetime ago, those feelings, that heartache. I am so very glad that I wrote it down!

What card am I??

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 00:56:48 GMT

You are The Wheel of Fortune

Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success

The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Why am I here?

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 00:33:17 GMT

No! Not as in "on this planet", "in this life" etc etc! But WHY AM I HERE on livejournal?
Do people really want to know about my daily life? Is it that interesting or that different from many, many others?

So ....
I have decided to turn my livejournal into the place where I talk about the aging process.
What is it like to be an ageing gay man in the 21st Century??

Well, maybe in the months to come you might find out.

Saw "Priscilla the Musical" last night and it is brilliant, if you get a chance go see it. Great songs, great acting and fantastic staging!
There was one dream sequence when the aging transexual remebers her heyday at Les Girls, back in the 70's-80's. I laughed and remembered as I had seen the Les Girl's shows "back then".

Damn! I am 50 next year WOW! Amazing! Not bad for a lad who was told in '81 that making it to '82 was not looking good.
But now, it is 26 years later & I am still kicking! Not kicking as high as I used to, nor wanting to!
So what are my thoughts on aging so far?

Taking arthritis medicine every day is a bore (and easily forgotten)

Trying to keep the "body beautiful" aint happening. You can fight it all you like but eventually you have to realise that there is a time to stop lifting weights, stop chasing muscle mass, and just try to stay as healthy as you can. In my case I gave up lifting weights six months ago. Why:

The constant pain in my elbows (genetic - it fucked up my father AND my sister's lives) was not helped by straining with heavy weights
My hips are fucked (5 years of Karate have come home to roost)
My right knee keeps giving way (Skiing injury - do not do a 360 degree turn while leaving foot firmly stuck in the snow!!)
My neck keeps locking up (Motorbike injury - do not ride into a lamppost with your head at speed. )

So there goes gym, too much strain on a body that has lived too well *laughs*. So now I am looking at Yoga, cos I want to stay fit, and I want to look as good as I can. Hell I am gay, I am vain and I refuse to throw in the towel.

Now, before I go on with this journey, I want to make one thing very, very clear:
I am not complaining!
I am embracing getting old!
I look forward to the many experiences that "getting old" will bring.

So NO COMPLAINTS from me, and no comments from you lot telling me "count myself lucky". I am lucky, I am and have been extremely lucky:

I survived a motorbike accident that should have snapped my neck,
I survived being young and gay in a city where the sex never stopped (Sydney early 80's) when AIDS was "that thing that American's got".
I am still HIV- inspite of the 100's of men I had sex with before condoms became the norm. Hey, I worked as a male hustler so 100's should most likely be 1000's!!
I survived testicular cancer when the drugs for it were still experimental

I have some fantastic friends, I have a great boyfriend who is teaching me to see everything through a new set of eyes, I can look back on a 20 year relationship with me ex, and understand, without bitterness or regret, that nothing lasts for ever. So join me, if you will, on a journey through my life and mind as I head towards the big 50.

Karl

Live Journal

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 03:10:31 GMT

Been awhile between updates. So easy to fall out of the habit!
Years ago (okay's '84) I started writing a D&D style DM's tool in Turbo Pascal. Took 2 years to get it ready, was going to be shareware, then I got some friends around to "test it". We stopped using it in 2000.
When my boyfriend heard about it, he begged me to "get it off the ground again". So I started coding again, this time in Access 2000. After all it is effectively 10% logic and 90% table look ups.
Well... it was meant to be ready for Adam's 21st on July 24th. Best laid plans .... The first run of "Sharn's World 2" was Saturday 25th August. Only one month, 1 day late, which for those who know me, is "on time"!!

The game went well, even if the code was full of bugs.

Why am I telling you this? Because it explains why there have been no live journal entries for awhile, been too bloody busy coding. Do it all day at work then go home and do some more. Must be a geek cos it is fun!!

Farm sale: September 7th is settlement day. The money comes through and my share will go to clearing my credit cards. Then the cards get burnt. No more credit for me, cannot trust myself. Time to live within my means not skirting the edges of financial disaster which is what I have been doing for the past 5 years. Last visit to the farm will be Monday Sept 3rd; take the crap to the tip and a big bonfire for the rest (will get pics, I promise)

Car: I bought an Nissan X-train. BLT (cos it is the Blue Truck that lettuce go places - thanks Adam!!) is two months old now, and has already pulled a 800kg trailer and had mud up to the yahzoo :) The deal was amazing. I walked in the door and all of the normal things you asked to be removed (dealer delivery charges, stamp duty etc) were already "packaged" by Nissan Australia. And they gave me a $1000 petrol card. Sweet deal? I think so.

Home: The ex is off on a voyage of discovery, solo through the USA and Europe. Should be a great adventure for him, and gives Adam & I the house to ourselves for 5 weeks. Spent the first weekend that he was away, clearing the attic space of 20 years of crap. Hard rubbish collection today, so as long as you had it out on the nature strip before 0600 today, and it was "hard rubbish" (ie stuff that your normal collection service would not/could not take) it will be collected. Funny thing is that 80% of what I threw out has found a new home somewhere as it is no longer on the strip! One man's trash, another man's treasure :)

I see that CJ's kink has been on holiday and I am in the same boat. However this could all change on September 22nd as it the Beyond Birthday Party. Beyond has been around for 6+ years and they hold 4 to 6 fetish dance parties a year. I used to go to all of them, but married life has changed that (and being broke most of the time). Last fetish party I went to was "Black and Blue Ball", as part of IML last year. So I have three weeks to figure out what to wear. For a "gear head" like me, that aint easy. Especially as I try to go "the whole 9 yards" to balance those that go with just enough effort to get past the door bitch. What is the point of going to a fetish dance party if you aint going to flaunt your fetish???

*Hugs to all*

Is there nothing new any more ??

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 06:06:45 GMT

"9 What has been is what will be,
         and what has been done is what will be done;
         there is nothing new under the sun.
10 Is there a thing of which it is said,
         "See, this is new"?
     It has already been,
         in the ages before us."

Scary huh? My using a biblical quote!! But it is true! Was at the Chadstone shopping centre last night and walked past a youngish Italian guy who was sporting a haircut that would have made Limahl proud. 80's haircuts are back??? run-n-hide!!! *laughs*

Then today I was introduced to a type of music call "power metal". http://www.myspace.com/403forbiddena
So off I went to listen to what is effectively folk-rock on amphetamines. What makes this more amusing is that it is a Japanese band, singing in English and I cannot understand a word of it.
The overall feeling of the music would be Pentangle or Steeleye Span "revved up".

On the car front:
The two front runners are
(a) Nissan X-trail
(b) Holden Captiva

I found that the local (to me) Nissan dealer advertises in our fag-rag so gave them a ring and chatted. Going to look at this Nissan (pronounced Niss-in over here, not Knee-San) tomorrow.

Bouncy!
Got a 3.5% pay rise!!
Bouncy-er!!
Back to my nine-day fortnight

Yah me!!

Some days ....

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 00:35:12 GMT

First: "The Plan"
(a) Cycle to work
(b) Cycle from work to J's place for a games night. A to cycle to J's place during the day and meet me there.
(c) A and I cycle home as the bike track extends from our place to J's place.

Second: "The Morning"
(a) sleep badly, wake up early
(b) Try to focus and get my sh*t together
(c) finally get clothes for work packed in bike bag
(d) Find right combo of bike gear for cold n wet conditions (this takes awhile)
(e) go to get battery for bike light - cannot get charger to unplug! Take off battery cover to see why for, only to see that battery to light connector is broken
SO NO RIDE TO WORK

Get to work on public transport, then start planning how to get from work to J's place on PT (could walk in I had 45 minutes) then plan how to get home before PT shuts down.

How did it all work out?
NFI as it is only 1030 am *laughs*

Movies: Silver Surfer

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 00:35:27 GMT

Went to the movies with P & A. Thank god for the company as the movie was fairly weak.
It was fun but had quite a few WTF! moments where the editing had left bits that did not make any sense.

The silver surfer looked good, Torch could hardly look anything but good, but Galatica as a big cloud of smoke?? That was lame!

But it was tight-arse Tuesday so we did not waste too much money.

Best moment of the night? The teaser for "The Simpsons' Movie" ... too funny!!

Almost a month without "wheels"

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 05:12:00 GMT

Wow!
One month without a car already, and I am really benefiting from it; each day I have a 15 minute walk from the bus stop to my office, and each day I try to go a slightly different way.
I read somewhere that one way of keeping your mind alert is to avoid routine; walking to work by a different path each day is just part of the experiment. But it is working! I get to work and I feel ALIVE, aware and ready to go.
I remember each morning rather than the journey to work just being the same-same drudgery.

Think I am nuts? Well try it; catch a different bus/train or go by a different route, see how you feel once you arrive at work.

Let me know :)

Public Transport

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 03:24:45 GMT

I have been without a car for three weeks now, and I am slowly starting to appreciate the freedom this gives me. Sounds wrong doesn't it?
Consider:
1) No road rage getting to and from work
2) Much more time for reading books
3) More exercise cos I am walking

Going out is a bit more of a planning exercise, but still doable; rather than going to A's mum's on a Tue night we go on the Fri night and stay over. Co-ordinate these stay overs with anything that needs to be done "out and about" and two birds can be killed with one stone.

Maybe when the novelty wears off, I will look wistfully back at the "I had wheels days, but for now, I will be a pedestrian who uses PT, and once the weather calms down I will be a bike rider again.
No way am I peddling to work when it is only 4 degrees!!

Working from home :)

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 00:46:26 GMT

After a week of having a cold that would not go away, I elected to work from home for most of this week. Working from home, you actually get more work done; and there are fringe benefits;
(a) Boyfriend is close by
(b) you do not have to get dressed for work
(c) The time you would normally spend traveling, you can spend working
(d) Food and drink is close by and no temptation to buy junk food
(e) It was raining for most of the week, but I did not have to worry about it.
(f) You can get all of that video editing done on your home machine, while working on the company's laptop, so you get all of your own work done as well.
(g) All of that annoying "office stuff" that can eat away at your working day ... does not exist.
(h) You save money cos no public transport costs, which also means less time spent sitting next to people who want to share their coughs and colds

The weekend approaches! Off to A's mum's tonight for dinner and cards. Then tomorrow morning it is into the city to get A fitting for his rental tuxedo. Then we will catch up with P and do something in the city before heading for home. Might even go and see Shrek III in the arvo, especially if it is 'orrible n nasty weather.

Where have I been in the world?

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 00:42:41 GMT

create your own visited countries map
or vertaling Duits Nederlands

Winter bugs

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 06:51:42 GMT

Caught a cold last Tuesday, spend two days home in bed, took it easy all weekend and I still feel like shit.
But getting better, back at work, moving forwards.
Yah, woopy yah

"Doof" is dead :(

Thu, 24 May 2007 00:43:20 GMT

My green beastie has been written off. Appears that spare parts alone would cost close to $2K, and he was only insured for $3.5K

Oh well I rescued the stereo system (hence the car's name "Doof Doof", and now can start looking for another one. Think I will wait until the farm is sold, then buy a new car

Tue, 22 May 2007 01:13:25 GMT

Wet roads, heavy traffic, white line, sudden stop ....crash
No-one hurt,
have full comprehensive insurance so "all good".

What a weekend!

Sun, 20 May 2007 23:55:20 GMT

Friday night: dinner with Michelle & Kyle. Walked there so could drink without counting drinks. Was a little typsy as A & I walked home, and it was a great night.

Saturday: At home until about midday then into the city for a PAK day. Went to the National Gallery, Australian Institute of Moving Image, off to the pub for a beer (beer good!!) then shopping for Cluedo and a couple of books.
PAK plus A's bestie (= best mate) J played Cluedo, then Uno, then poker until midnight whilst sipping on Gin & Tonics.

Sunday: No hangovers!! I was up and about from 0700. PA stayed in bed and slept (I cannot stay in bed once I wake up unless there is sex involved!!) I programmed until 1100 when it was time for back to bed (see sex comment) then off to the Turtle Bean for their "big breakfast".

Home again, PA watched Razor Blade Smile (English vampire movie with a great plot), I programmed, then A & I played EQ2 while P watched "Buffy" and "Angel". There was lots of to and fro from the bedroom to the computer screens as all got sucked into the world of Buffy & Angel.

P left about 1700, leaving A&I to play EQ2 and get distracted by a man with a cam on MSN

Wet Wet Wet!!

Fri, 18 May 2007 05:49:19 GMT

You really understand how much of a drought you are experiencing when ...
You turn on the radio at 0610 and the local station is a buzz with people ringing in to say how much rain fell during the night!!

For those not in Australia; our dams are running at less than 30% capacity and we are experiencing a very warm Autumn/Winter.

So was off to gym at 0610, not bad effort but not good either. Once a week for three weeks is a habit but not a good one. It is so hard to get back into the "gym jive". I know that I need to for my own health (mental and physical) but part of me is constantly going "what is the point, you are almost 50, move on ..." Evil lazy me that voice!!

The week moves on

Thu, 17 May 2007 00:04:16 GMT

Well the weekend was busy, and so has been this week. Do not feel as if I have spent any time at home.

Tuesday night was the regular night at A's mum's for dinner and Samba (card game). I actually came second this time! Usually I lose as both A and his mum, actually his whole family, are card sharks.
Lets see, playing poker; his grandfather has wiped the floor with me, as has his grandmother, his 9 yo niece and his step dad! They even bought me my own poker card and chip set for Xmas ... maybe they think I need the practise??

Last night was one of A's brothers birthday, so we went around for pizza and a drink. We do not watch TV at home, it aint even plugged into the aerial; so going somewhere where the TV is never turned off can be really strange. TV is evil you hear? EVIL!! (Just download your favourite shows and watch them at your liesure *laughs*

the farm ...

Thu, 10 May 2007 23:58:26 GMT

Ok, so the sale of the farm is a reality; signed all of the papers last night, so it is now on the market. WOOT! WOOT! *laughs*

Got a busy weekend ahead:
Tonight: Dinner with A's dad and step mum.

Saturday: A friend has just moved into a house on a golf course, so A&I are going to visit her, check out the house AND go play golf, if we can.

Sunday: Mother's Day! Not got one of my own to worry about, but am taking A's mum and step dad to a friend's restaurant http://www.bophadevi.com/ then traveling to the other side of Melbourne to spend an afternoon with A's family at his grandparents.

All up this weekend I am estimating that we will cover about 400kms :)

Spiderman 3 spoilers

Wed, 09 May 2007 09:42:32 GMT

We went to see this movie last night on "tight arse Tuesday" (ie 1/2 price).
Being the second sequel of what is only a comic book, I did not expect much.
It was fun!
It was cheesy,
and I loved venom's suit and the actor playing him ... woof!!

I found some of the fight scenes so frantic that I had no idea what was going in. It was too fast or too busy so you were not sure if it was a punch, kick, or a "blow from beyond"

The moment when Spiderman lands and there is an American flag behind him, made the whole audience groan --- that was just far far to cheesy.

The best part of the movie? When Mary Jane kisses goblin2; a whole group of girls in the audience where screaming at her not to do it - made me laugh.

The farm is being sold!!

Mon, 07 May 2007 03:14:58 GMT

Finally!!
Now all four parties agree the farm is being sold. What was originally a "great idea for two couples that have known each other for ten years" fell apart when both couples dissolved. And all of our needs have changed over the past 5 years.
So.... while it is a sellers' market, we are making the most of it.

And the money that was being poured into the farm mortgage will be re-directed to adding extensions at #9 (the home of my ex and I) so that we can lead seperate lives when we choose and only be communal when we choose. - Right now the kitchen is shared, but once the renos are done I will have a house which is mine WOO HOO!!!

Playing the LJ game

Thu, 03 May 2007 06:41:45 GMT

Post a response here, and I will:

1. Tell you why I be-friended you
2. Associate you with something (song, color, photo, etc.)
3. Tell you something I like about you.
4. Tell you a memory I have of you.
5. Associate you with a fictional character (if one springs to mind!).
6. Ask something I've always wanted to know about you.
7. Tell you my favorite user picture of yours.

easy come ... easy go

Thu, 03 May 2007 02:54:46 GMT

Aint working for a living grand?
Especially when you get paid a bonus!!
YAH YAH YAH
So I have $$$ of unexpected money Woo hoo!!! .... right??

Now I will let you see the conversation in my head:
1: Woo hoo!!! .... right??
2: Uhm no, lets just look at the bills ...

1: do we have to??
2: Yup! Now you have to give $$$ to your ex-b/f to clear that debt,
1: Sure!
2: Then there is the $$$ for your share of the rates and repairs to the lawnmower and spa,
1: Woot! That still leaves almost 50%!!

2: Then you should really pay of some of your credit cards,
1: Can I keep any of it for me??
2: You KNOW what you should do!
1: Can I keep SOME of it for me???????
2:
...
.....
......
1: Fine, pay the credit cards!
2: :)

So, I got a bonus and although it does not go into my bank account until next Wednesday, it is all accounted for, except for $40.00
Oh, yeah, petrol for the car

BONUS ALL GONE
Such is life!!

appreciating what you have ...

Wed, 02 May 2007 00:28:03 GMT

One of the fun things about spending time away from your home, is that you learn to appreciate it.
As you know A & I are spending a week at his mum's place. It has only been 3 nights so far, but already we are starting to comment on "our bed", "our shower", "our ...."

So I guess the moral is; if you want to really appreciate something which is a mainstay of your life, do without it for awhile ... except chocolate!! *laughs*

Actually even chocolate: my brother TJ & I, before he abandoned me to go live with his lover in Brisbane (ongoing joke between us), did some experimentation with "fasting for a month".
First fast was "alcohol"; no alcohol for 30 days unless we were at the Laird (long story as to why the exception). Since that 30 day fast (which only lasted 28, but not Catholic, so no guilt here thanks :), I have found that I drink less often and appreciate it more.

I wonder if I could give up computers for 30 days?? hmmm, have to take a month of work to do that!!

ouch!

Tue, 01 May 2007 02:39:05 GMT

Second day back at gym ... OUCH already :) But it is a good ouch,as any of you who lift weights will understand.
Spent last night programming (again). A sat beside me and watched and seemed interested in what I was doing - I had forgotten how interesting programming in action can be! Guess I have been doing it for too long and take my skills for granted.

THIS is one of the prime joys of having a boyfriend who is so much younger than me; I get constant reminders of how much wonder there is in everyday life and everyday events.

What a start to the week!

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 01:54:21 GMT

A is at university this week and as the uni is on his mum's side of town we are staying there for the week. This meant that over coding in access until midnight, I was up at 0630. At gym by 0700 (not been for 6 months - long story, no excuses, do not ask!! *laughs*), home at 0800, shower, breakfast pat dogs, feed cats. Leave home at 0845, fill car with petrol, pick up dry cleaning, get to work by 0915.

So how is that for a start?? *laughs*

Coding: back in '84 I started to write a Dungeon & Dragon's style DM's assistant (in Turbo Pascal 3). In '86 I got a few friends around to road test the program before I released it as sharewhare.
We stopped playing in 2004! I would keep writing new adventures, tweaking the code, and everyone had fun.

Now in 2007 I have a new lover (Adam) who has always wanted to play a D&D style game. So.... for one of his 21st birthday presents I am rewriting the programs (in Access 2000 this time), and the new adventure is already on the drawing board. A few times in the past I have tried to rewrite the code in something modern, but never had the "drive". Now I do. I have even contacted all of the old players and all bar one of them is ready for "the new version". This means for the next few weeks I will be an uber-geek, and spending my spare time coding in Access. The sad thing is I am really looking forward to it, hence the uber-geek reference.