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Found this on my PDA, think I wrote it while sitting on a train to somewhere and needed to talk, but had no-one to talk to.
Think it is worth sharing:
29th May 2005:
Alone?
0400 29th May; we talk, he says "separate beds", relief,resolution. A fine birthday present for him, the ending of a 21 year long story.
12 hours later, I call, "feed the dogs please ... Bye lover" opps! Can I? should I? still use such words?
Tears, heartache, uncertainty ... The future is unknown, the path is clouded, I do not know what I want anymore, should I run away, to make it easier, a clean slated break?
"First Day back at work"
Who to tell, how to tell them; "hi, how's your day? ... Oh fine, ended an era of my existence, I am single again ..."
"One week later"
Out alone, strange state, he is home alone, first time, is he okay, is he thinking about me?
12th August:
Out on the town. Rendevous with B&G. Happy to be free, enjoying being single , but sad for the lack of someone to share the simple things with, the daily physical contact, the kiss hello, goodbye.
Not lonely but alone on a level, a void that friends,even best friends cannot fill.
Knowing what has been lost, makes it harder & easier not to rush after it again.
Time to separate the old from the new, like a mourning period. Not searching for a replacement, not yet, but not closing any doors either.
It now seems like a lifetime ago, those feelings, that heartache. I am so very glad that I wrote it down!
Think it is worth sharing:
29th May 2005:
Alone?
0400 29th May; we talk, he says "separate beds", relief,resolution. A fine birthday present for him, the ending of a 21 year long story.
12 hours later, I call, "feed the dogs please ... Bye lover" opps! Can I? should I? still use such words?
Tears, heartache, uncertainty ... The future is unknown, the path is clouded, I do not know what I want anymore, should I run away, to make it easier, a clean slated break?
"First Day back at work"
Who to tell, how to tell them; "hi, how's your day? ... Oh fine, ended an era of my existence, I am single again ..."
"One week later"
Out alone, strange state, he is home alone, first time, is he okay, is he thinking about me?
12th August:
Out on the town. Rendevous with B&G. Happy to be free, enjoying being single , but sad for the lack of someone to share the simple things with, the daily physical contact, the kiss hello, goodbye.
Not lonely but alone on a level, a void that friends,even best friends cannot fill.
Knowing what has been lost, makes it harder & easier not to rush after it again.
Time to separate the old from the new, like a mourning period. Not searching for a replacement, not yet, but not closing any doors either.
It now seems like a lifetime ago, those feelings, that heartache. I am so very glad that I wrote it down!
Current Mood: reflective
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